Happy Lesbian Visibility Week!
Good day, my dears,
This week of April 22nd 2025 is Lesbian Visibility Week. In honour of that, I wanted to state the following and share a post I wrote from 2024 in honour of International Lesbian Day.
Lesbians come in many shapes, sizes, and varieties, and all are valid:
Non-binary Lesbians
Trans Lesbians
Ace Lesbians
Lesbians who use He/Him Pronouns
Later in life discovering you’re a Lesbian (Me!)
Gold Star Lesbians do exist, however, using the label Gold Star Lesbian can be seen as Bi-phobic, Pan-phobic, and there is a correlation between Gold Star Lesbians and TERFs and invalidating bi, pan, and Lesbians who aren’t “Gold Stars”. We do not accept TERFS or biphobic people in the LGBTQIA+ community.
Set of Lesbian Pride scalemail necklace, earrings with sterling silver hook backs, and bracelet.
This was originally posted on Ko-fi and Patreon October 8th 2024
To celebrate International Lesbian Day, I wanted to talk about my own personal experience of self discovery and being a lesbian.
Everyone's journey in life is as unique as they are. Some people know from the beginning who they are, their gender identity and sexual orientation. However, many others, myself included, take years of self reflection to discover who they are, and accept that who they are can change throughout their life.
The Beginning of My Journey:
It wasn't until my late 20s that I realized that I'm a Queer woman. This started me on my path of exploring being bisexual/pansexual, what felt attractive to me, and why.
I had male friends tell me that I can't be bisexual because I was never with a woman before. This hurt. I highly doubt they questioned their sexuality as a straight man simply because they hadn't been with a woman yet. I understood that this said more about their own insecurities as a person than my own identity and my own self worth. But I won't lie, it didn't help me either. It made me second guess myself and feel as if I may be lying to myself, faking, pretending to like women all because I have had some traumatic experiences with men.
It wasn't until I started dating women that I realized that I may not actually be attracted to men. The experiences were like night and day.
Dating Men:
With men, I would not want to meet up for a date too soon, I'd want to take my time to get to know them at a distance, hoping it would ensure I'd be a bit safer once I did go on a date. I was always afraid they'd harass or assault me if I said no to a date, changed my mind, or they perceived I rejected them in any way. I was even afraid that they'd yell at me if I woke them up by accident. It didn't matter if we had discussions about consent, our sexual histories, or boundaries, the majority of the time, it was not respected no matter what they had said. I never let this stop me from exploring dating though. But as I started dating women I started to seriously reflect on how I genuinely felt behind all of that trauma and fear. If I set all of that aside, and looked at my good experiences, and looked at if I would still want those today, if they opportunity arose, did I truly want it?
The answer slowly because closer and closer to no.
Dating Women:
When dating women, I am so much more comfortable. There is no fear there the same way as when I date men. I am eager to actually go on a date with a woman and see where it may lead. I am a bumbling idiot around women, in a way that makes me so damn happy. And the intimacy is incredibly beautifully different, in a way that makes my heart feel warm.
Dealing with Biphobia:
Now, I have experienced biphobia while dating women. I've been told that I can't meet someone's needs because most of my experiences have been with men. I've had women deny my past relationships because they were not with women. I've had lesbians call our relationship a "lesbian relationship" and refer to me as a lesbian, despite being out as bisexual. I've been told that people who use pronouns other than she/her cannot be seen lesbians. These are reflections of their own insecurities as a person. Nonetheless, these opinions are biphobic, transphobic, and just wrong.
They brought up insecurities and fears that I would never be queer enough. That I'd never be sapphic enough for a woman to want to be in a relationship with me. All because it took me until my late 20s to realize I'm not straight. It even went so far as for me to be afraid that because I am more of a homebody and don't like going to bars or clubs, that I am not queer enough.
I know that I am queer enough, because I am a queer woman. I know that I am valid no matter what my past experiences may be. I am valid no matter my age or how many years have passed before I realized I am queer. And it is the same for being bi, and now, for being lesbian.
My Path to My Discovery of Being a Lesbian:
One thing that helped me ease into my self reflection of if I'm bisexual or a lesbian was seeing others use the label in a more flexible and freeing way. Seeing other sapphic people state that they were lesbian/sapphic leaning bisexual/pansexual people, helped me realize I am allowed to use labels in a way that better reflects who I am. It was healing to see, and healing to explore for myself. This is why representation is so important. It helps us take even baby steps forward to understanding ourselves in a new way. This is the opposite of -phobic hatred and -phobic rooted in a person's lack of security in themselves and/or past trauma being reflected onto others wrongly.
I still had a really difficult time letting go of the fact that I am allowed to not want to be with men. I am allowed to not find them attractive. I was afraid that I was closing a door if I accepted that I did not want to be with men. And that scared me. What if I was seen as a fraud by other lesbians because I didn't know from the beginning? What if I changed my mind and realized I was actually bisexual or pansexual all along? Would lesbians hate me and deny me because my labels changed?
One way I navigated these questions and fears was trying to take a step back and ask myself if I would genuinely judge others for realizing they are lesbian later on in life. If I would judge them for realizing they were bisexual, not lesbian. Would I judge them for having such insecurities. The answer was always - No, I would not. Their experiences are valid and they are allowed to change as they learn and grow as a person throughout their life. I deserve to treat myself with the same compassion as others.
I realized that I am not attracted to men. I do not want a vulnerable, intimate or romantic relationship with men. My response is automatically No. I am not truly closing any doors because they aren't truly doors I want to walk through. And that is okay.
And so, when I finally accepted that I am a lesbian, I honestly could not believe how happy I was. How I wanted to cry out of joy because I felt like I was home. I never felt this way when I came out as bisexual. The confidence in myself has take a big turn for the better, as I feel I am who I was always meant to be. I dress how I want to. I love that I can feel like a lesbian stereotype if I choose to because it makes me happy.
I love who I am and I love and appreciate my long journey to realizing who I am.
Message for other Lesbians and Sapphics:
As someone who has dealt with biphobia and has seen transphobic, nonbinary-phobic sentiments towards lesbians, I will always remind people that you are valid no matter what!
Trans lesbians are lesbians!
Nonbinary lesbians are lesbians!
You are a lesbian no matter your pronouns!
Lesbian (Sapphic) leaning bisexuals/pansexuals are lesbians!
All Lesbians are Sapphic, however, not all Sapphics are Lesbians. I originally misspoke when I first wrote this post in 2024. My main intention behind it was stating that if someone is Bi or Pan and say they are Sapphic leaning, that they are valid.
No matter your journey to where you are today as a lesbian - you are still a lesbian!
Even if your path if self discovery ebbs and flows - you are valid as the lesbian you are today, and no less valid if who you are changes in the future!
It is no one else's place to judge you or discriminate against you for who you are as a person, for who you say you are, and for your experiences in life. Only you can say who you are truly. And who you say you are, is valid, and matters.
Happy International Lesbian Day, my dears. Thank you all for joining me on my journey in life, in art, and for letting me share a bit about myself with all of you.
Much love,
Katherine
Chubby Wubby Dragon Art